Why The Fourth of July is Awesome.

It’s that time of year folks, where off in the distance you hear the star-spangled banner get bungled by your drunken neighbor, and the kids shoot roman candles from their butts, yes it’s almost the Fourth of July once again.  Also known as Independence Day (as well as White People Wasted with Fireworks Day), this time honored holiday is capable of bringing a tear to your eye, or maybe that’s just the rotten egg smell of the sulfur.

How It All Began

On July 2, 1776, a bunch of asshole slave-owners decided they were tired of paying taxes, so the thirteen colonies (that would eventually become our awesome United States) legally separated from Great Britain with the Declaration of Independence.  John Adams (who nobody liked but they let him hang around because his brother Sam had the sweet beer hook-up) predicted that July 2 would be a day that would go down in history, however everybody got drunk, and forgot where they put it, so it wasn’t officially notarized until two days later.

"Don't tread on us. Now we must all head home, our slaves aren't going to whip themselves."

“Each man deserves the right to happiness and dignity. Now let’s hurry home to whip our slaves.”

Over 200 years later and still going strong, we as Americans still unite every Fourth of July, to honor what can be accomplished when rich white people get together to binge-drink.  Over time, we’ve added some of our own touches to the celebration, such as illegal fireworks, hot dogs, and wasted chicks sporting beer guts and cut-off tees, in the pursuit of happiness. Let’s discuss some elements of the modern day Fourth of July, and what makes it so great.

Cooking-out

It doesn’t matter if you use a charcoal grill or a gas grill, just as long as the alcohol is continually flowing, a fun time will be had by all.  Once your guests have sucked down eight or nine Coronas, they honestly wont know the difference between a medium-rare filet mignon, and a raw clump of hamburger.  Of course along with the assorted selection of grilled foods, it’s also important to have a healthy supply of potato salad.  Because nothing tastes better on a hot summer day, then a big tub of potato salad left in the warm sun for hours and hours, as any fly or other outdoor insect would agree.

This guy's doing it right. 'Merica.

This guy’s doing it right. ‘Merica!

Fireworks

The most important thing to remember when operating with fireworks, is safety.  Make sure to safely secure your beer with your free hand, when lighting.  If the firework requires both hands, give your beer to the closest minor available (because if you want to be a good parent, it’s important to get the kids involved on the holidays).  Nobody ever lost a finger playing with fireworks*, however many have spilled a perfectly good beer in sorrowful regret.  But first to obtain your fireworks, you must go to a local firework shop to purchase. Now fireworks are illegal in Ohio, so this means that when you are buying them, you must tell the cashier that you are “taking these out of state”, and then you will need to wink exactly three times.  If you only wink twice, the jig is up, and if you wink four times, you will immediately be tackled by police in the parking lot, so make sure you get this part right. With your fireworks in hand, and safety in mind, you are now ready to rock the night sky.

'Merica

‘Merica!

Conclusion

The main thing to remember when celebrating the Fourth of July above all is the love of country, as this is the one day a year where it’s thoroughly encouraged to be a xenophobe.

*Citation needed

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