I’ve lived in Ohio for all of my life. There are all kinds of people you will meet here, and like any place, they can be good or bad, smart or dumb, generous… or massive jerks. In this post, we will discuss the different kinds of people you will encounter in Ohio, their traits, and what they are like. Because who doesn’t love to be stereotyped! Enjoy.
People here always complain that ‘Not ALL of Ohio is farms!’, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still a shit-ton of them. I grew up in a rural area surrounded by farms, and honestly it wasn’t all that bad. It’s quiet, generally the neighbor’s stay out of your business, and you can have wicked bonfires or play with fireworks and nobody calls the cops.
When you are in Ohio (outside of Cleveland or Columbus), you’re bound to bump into a farmer or two, and these are salt of the earth people. Well, maybe more like “dirt” of the earth people, because they’re always covered in dirt.
Generally friendly people, farmer dudes are always willing to lend a hand, unless you talk shit about their truck, or Jesus (in that order). God bless America, and pass the ammo!
Nicknames: Big Bubba, Big Hoss, Slim
Fashion: bib-overalls or boot-cut jeans, John Deere hat (un-ironically worn), Fox Racing tee
Favorite Dating Site: Farmersonly.com
Common Misconception: they’re a bunch of sister-fuckers
Been Known to Happen: A sister has been fucked here and there
Ohio Sports SUPER Fan.
Ohio has many sports teams, such as the Browns, the Indians, the Cavaliers, and the Ohio State Buckeyes. The Ohio sports SUPER fan will not allow you to talk shit about any of these teams, and takes it as a slap in the face if you even mention the Steelers or Michigan. These confrontations will typically result in shouting, finger-pointing, and spilled beer.
The SUPER fan wakes up early on Sundays, and this is to drink excessively in the Muni-lot before a Brown’s home game. 6AM is too early for a beer? How about five beers through a funnel?, problem solved. The SUPER fan drinks heavily, to drown their sadness, having experienced the Drive, the Fumble, seeing the Browns leave town, the Decision, and generally not winning any championships since 1964, and talks of better days ahead.
Although generally friendly (as long as you are from around here and love Ohio sports), if the SUPER fan yells “O-H!!”, you had better reply with a snappy “I-O!!”, or risk getting a beer dumped on your head, and a purple-nurple.
Nicknames: Bro, The Tank, Johnny-Six-Pack, Monday Morning Quarterback
Fashion: Browns jacket, Indians hat, Cavs jersey, Ohio State flip-flops, and a giant bone
Favorite Dating Site: Brownsbackers.com
Common Misconception: Hates LeBron James
Been Known to Happen: Loves LeBron James
Easily one of the most annoying kinds of people you will encounter in Ohio, “No Ragrets” will try to make it a point to show you they’re “hood”, either by blasting the latest Lil Wayne song from their supped-up ’02 Ford Focus (with spoilers and rims) at an intersection, or by yelling taunts at passerby’s from their trailer porch.
No Ragrets will generally be crashing at their baby-mama’s crib, or you will see them out and about on their bicycle, on their way to their latest job interview at Taco Bell or to attempt to buy blunt wraps with an Ohio Direction card.
Generally not very friendly, you will not want to ask them for help of any kind, because they will immediately ask you for money, money and favor, or think that this is an open invitation to crash and drink forties at your house when you are not home. Sup, pimpin?
Nicknames: Lil T, Big T, T-Bone, White Trash
Fashion: baggy shirt, sagging jeans, flat-brimmed “330” hat, their mom’s jewelry
Favorite Dating Site: Blackpeoplemeet.com
Common Misconception: They sell drugs, hang out with black people
Been Known to Happen: They do drugs, know one black guy named “Leslie”
But most of the time, the people you will meet in Ohio are just ordinary, every-day regular dudes. We work hard, we play hard, and we are proud that we have some of the best hospitals and universities, we have the most native astronauts in the US, and that seven future US presidents were born here. We love Drew Carey, Cedar Point, beer, and the “Wild Thing” Ricky Vaughn.
Some of the people from Ohio would fall into one of the top three categories, however most of us are just pretty normal. We also have one of the best speaking dialects in the country, so when we talk, people can actually understand what the fuck we’re saying. Good luck trying to get directions in West Virginia.
Most of us will dream about leaving Ohio some day, and some of us will, but many of us wont. But whether we leave or stay here, there’s always a part of us that holds a special place in our heart, for this mediocre-as shit soul-crushing state, and we love it dearly.
Questions/Comments? Let me know! tweet @ericmalcolm or leave me a comment.