A zombie apocalypse is a lot like the last time I went to the local gym, there’s a lot of running, tons of heavy breathing, and there usually aren’t any tacos. It’s not a question of if a zombie apocalypse will happen, but rather when, and if The Walking Dead has taught me anything (besides how it’s cool to bone your best friend’s wife if you think he’s in a coma, and that Asian pizza delivery boys will basically rule the earth), it’s taught me that life as we know it will change. Gone are the days of lazy Sunday afternoons and backyard barbecues, and here are the days of running and screaming for your lives, hiding in abandon barns that may or may not be housing Herschel’s dead wife, and fighting off dudes with eye-patches. Life as we know it will be over, so in this post we will discuss some of the things that I would miss the most, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘you can still make tacos Eric’, but the way I see it, fat chance! I’ll be too busy running from hoards of zombies, where will I find the time to make homemade taco shells? I’d be way more likely to be eating dead rat from a spit. How about rat tacos? Never had one, but I’d guess they suck, even with a bit of hot sauce and sour cream. I went to Taco Tonto’s in Kent the other night, and we had to wait like 20 minutes to get our tacos. Something tells me 20 minutes is more than enough time for a zombie to devour most of my body, so if it takes them 20 minutes just to make the tacos, I’m sure it’s going to take me even longer, and I’m fucked.
Hot water is pretty awesome, so this would be greatly missed. I’m lazy, so I don’t typically sort my clothes when I go to the laundromat, I just throw everything in and run the cold cycle, presto clean-o. So in this facet of my life, it wouldn’t make much difference, but in the event of a zombie outbreak, no one is going to be doing laundry anyways, we will all be cleaning our clothes down by the river. This is most likely also where we will bathe (if we even get a chance, between running for our lives and avoiding rioting survivors). Say goodbye to hot showers, and jump into the murky waters of our polluted lakes and rivers, ahh I feel so clean!
You can also forget one of my favorite past-times, binge-watching television shows on Netflix. I mean at that point, I probably wouldn’t want to watch The Walking Dead, because I can basically just look out my window and see a zombie eating my neighbor’s face whenever I want, but I’m talking no more Dexter, no Mad Men, no Breaking Bad, none. I’ve never seen The United States of Tara or Bates Motel (both in my queue), and I have no idea if I would like them or not, but guess what? Thanks to zombies, I’ll never know. I’m almost certain the moment I sit down, and decide to invest my time and energy into Game of Thrones, a zombie apocalypse is going to happen, so why even bother. Fucking zombies.
Not Being Eaten by Zombies.
This one is obvious, but I still wanted to mention it. I will miss not being eaten by zombies.
You can kiss Monday Night Football goodbye. I enjoy watching sports, but those days are now over. Your favorite athlete is either dead, or smashing someone’s face in for a gallon of gas. I enjoy playing sports as well, but I don’t see a trip to the batting cages or a round of golf in my future, the only sports we will be playing is “dodge the zombie” or “loot the drug store”, both of which I would probably suck at, because I’ve never had any practice. Hell I can’t even play Madden anymore, so how else am I going to passive-aggressively dominate my cousin in a brute show of force on a Friday night, without leaving the comfort of my leather recliner? On the bright side, people will stop telling me I need to get into soccer, so I guess there’s a silver-lining to everything.
I hope you like skunky beer, because after the plague hits, I’m pretty sure brew-masters are going to selfishly go home to spend time with their wives and kids, and not continue to churn out beer for our consumption. Which means the world’s supply of beer will cease to extend past whatever “born on” date your Bud Light or Miller High Life currently reads. Not to mention the electricity will surely be out around the world, so you wont even be able to refrigerate it. Unless you’re German, I see warm beer as a problem. Then guess what, you stumble upon a twelve-pack of beer, floating in a river, and it’s as if some prayer has been answered; four of five beers later, a hoard sneaks up on you and you’re fucked! There’s been times I’ve had a few beers, and I can’t even properly navigate Netflix, so I’d hate to imagine trying to navigate a bunch of zombies with a buzz. Anyway you look at it, it’s bad news.
You may be thinking that this falls into the same category of tacos, but I’m still just not that excited about the prospect of eating dead rat. Man that’s going to suck.
When the zombie apocalypse does eventually happen, it’s not going to be all hot farmer’s daughters and dudes on motorcycles shooting arrows, like The Walking Dead would lead you to believe. The world is going to be a cold, cold place. Also, no more porn. What would you miss? Let everyone know below in the comments.