How To Survive The Grocery Store.

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Sometimes grocery shopping can be a bitch.  I mean it starts off fun, with all of the endless possibilities of what you might find and buy, and all of the delicious and exciting dishes you might make stemming from this visit, but odds are you will go and buy the same old shit that you always do (just like me), and the whole event will turn into one shitty hassle.  I mean it’s almost as bad as doing laundry.  I go grocery shopping about once a week, because unlike everything else in the world, I can’t buy food online.  If you know me, then you know I really don’t enjoy shopping, I mean it’s boring, I have to spend money, and I could be spending that valuable time doing something much more enlightening, like watching a gripping documentary on Netflix about how Sea World is the devil, or leveling up in Star Wars Angry Birds on my iPhone.  In today’s post, we will discuss the pitfalls of grocery shopping, some techniques, and most importantly, how to make it out alive.  Enjoy!

step one – making a grocery list.

When General George Custer stormed into the Battle of the Little Bighorn, do you know his first mistake?  The dude didn’t have a plan.  So before you march into the grocery store all Custer-like, it’s always good to write out a list of needs, so when you actually get there, you can stay on point.  You don’t want to be that guy that goes directly for the Oreos, losses his shit, and comes home with nothing but a bunch of Hot Pockets and Funyuns.  It’s also good to scope out the sales ads, my local Giant Eagle advertisement always gives me a heads up whenever the pierogies are buy one get one, and that’s some valuable intel.  If you go into the grocery store with a solid plan, you wont look like George W. Bush, all invading Iraq with no strategy or exit plan.  Do yourself a favor, make a list, and don’t be George W. Bush.

ma

We’re coming home.  And we got the Funyuns!

step two – navigating the grocery store.

Now it’s a well known fact in the grocery world, that all of the important shit that you actually need (like bread and milk) are always in the back corner of the store.  This way, they make you wander their labyrinth of products, free samples, cereals, and all manners of other shit, tempting you like mythical sirens. You’ll want to avoid the samples, because odds are somebody already sneezed on them, or some little kid with a fixation for touching his butt-hole has probably already picked them up and played with them, so just don’t do it.  I keep focused by promising myself a Slim Jim at the check-out, and that seems to do the trick.  Nothing keeps a man in the zone like the promise of salted meat.  Now some people stand around in the grocery store, like it’s a fucking dance club or lounge or something, and apparently have nowhere else to be, and nothing else to do but stand around and talk.  Give them a few moments to move out of the way if you need to squeeze through an aisle, and if they do not stop talking and politely move, it’s always perfectly acceptable to scream in their faces “WATCH THE FUCK OUT YOU STUPID BITCHES!!”.  That should send your message loud and clear.  Now with your grocery cart full, and your list all checked, you are ready to check-out, and now the fun really begins.

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A fucking “Labyrinth”, I tell you.

step three – checking out.

Now the real dilemma of checking out is which lane to choose.  No matter which one you pick, odds are the lady in front of you will have a zillion coupons (thank’s a lot Extreme Couponing) clogging up the check-out line, she will argue with the cashier for five minutes about prices being incorrect and will require like five price-checks, and then she will undoubtedly be paying with a check, which she hasn’t even started filling out yet.  The other alternative, most grocery stores have a self check-out lane, which is nice because you don’t have to feel forced into a conversation with a zit-faced 17-year-old cashier, and you can bag your own shit just how you like it.  The main fault with these self check-out machines is that they never work, at least not for me.  Once it finally reads my discount card after multiple tries and we begin, I’m repeatedly asked “place your scanned item on the conveyor belt”, which I already have and the machine is just to slow to keep up with me.  Then you’re given the screen of death that reads “Assistance Needed”, and the check-out processes is suspended until a cashier comes over to punch in a code, while judging you for being an imbecile that needs assistance.  However you have to hang in there, you’re almost at the finish line.

step four – carrying all the bags to the house.

You’ve survived the grocery store.  You’ve weathered the process known as “the check-out”.  You’ve even managed to wheel your cart to your car, and stuff all of the groceries in, without smashing your bread or the countless bags of Funyuns.  You’re feeling pretty good about yourself until you get home, and realize you have to carry all of this shit you just bought inside.  My parents always used to make my brother and I carry in the groceries, which is a fair deal because I didn’t have to buy them, and I didn’t have to cook them, so life was simple.  But unfortunately I don’t have any kids, so guess what?  I’m stuck doing it.  Now every man is tempted to achieve the “one-trip”; this is where you successfully carry all of the groceries inside, in one trip.  The “one-trip” is a horrible idea, every time.  But I still do it, and by the time I make it to the front door, whispering prayers that the bags wont rip, and my fists clenched tightly and white-knuckled around the dozen or so grocery bags, I realize I’m fucked because my keys are in my back pocket, and I have to set all of the shit down anyways.  But you have nearly finished your quest.  You’re like fucking Frodo, standing on the top of Mount Doom, about to chuck the ring into the volcano.  It is literally the same thing.  You’re almost finished, big guy.

ItsDone06

I bet this little wimp never went grocery shopping.

step five – putting everything away.

Before you make an amateur mistake, like opening up one of your beers, or digging into your Funyuns, you still have to put all of your groceries away.  It’s safe to say you go frozen foods first, then refrigerated, then pantry/cupboards.  This is the point where you start scratching your head, and thinking “why the hell did I buy this?”.  It’s okay, it happens to us all.  This is also the point where you will realize that you forgot something vital.  “Shit I forgot the sour cream!  Oh, and grandma’s pills.  But I mean come on, really, no sour cream?!”.  That happens too, and again, it’s okay.  You just faced the belly of the beast, and came away with only a few scratches, so sit back, relax, pop open them Funyuns, and just remember, you wont have to do this again for awhile.  Well, at least a few days or so, fuck.

 

What’s your most favorite/least favorite part of shopping?  Tell me below in the comments!

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4 thoughts on “How To Survive The Grocery Store.

  1. Pingback: Everything You Never Needed To Know About Fantasy Football | Tacos and Dinosaurs

  2. I have no idea how you completely encapsulated my EVERY thought I have about checking out at the grocery store, BUT you did. Not to mention the fact that you used the words, “butthole fixation, salty meat, and WATCH THE FUCK OUT YOU STUPID BITCHES” in the paragraph before. This was completely entertaining, and genius.

    My least favorite part about grocery shopping is the fact that there are other people there… and as hard as I try to be polite, smile, and say excuse me I somehow always find myself mouthing, “what a fucking dick and/or bitch” to myself… time and time again.=)

  3. Pingback: How Beef Jerky Changed The World | Tacos and Dinosaurs

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