I’ve been thinking about buying a used sport utility vehicle over the past couple of months, and since I no longer receive the local paper (the polar bears, man), and the Auto trader magazines they have in front of the grocery stores always suck and nobody under 50 reads them, naturally I turned my attention to Craigslist. I’ve used Craigslist in the past to buy and sell things, and I’m still alive so I guess that’s a good start. It’s possible to find a gem here and there, but on the whole when searching for a vehicle, a lot of the posts just seem ridiculous. After many hours searching, and much exhaustive digging later, I’ve come to realize finding the right vehicle might end up being a little harder than I originally expected.
In today’s hard-hitting post, we will take a look at some of the more interesting vehicle advertisements I have seen in the Akron/Canton Craigslist “Cars & Trucks” listings. Enjoy!
1995 Ford F150 4×4 – $1000 (canton)
"has front damage front frame horns bent runs and drives great nice wheels and tires standard shift 4.9 INLINE 6 mechanically sound 107,000 first 1000.00 O.B.0"
No shit the front end has some damage. That’s kind of an understatement. That’s like saying “Hitler was a dick, and men like it when their penises are touched”.
1993 dually suburban 4×4 5speed 6.2 diesel – $450 (medina)
"mileage unknown has a new clutch also has 373 gears body as in OK shape has some surface rust nothing bad truck needs finished needs an exhaust glow plugs tons of new parts"
Mileage unknown? Good god. Either this dumb ass can’t read an odometer, or it’s upwards of 250,000 miles and he doesn’t want to say. Even for the asking price of $450, I wouldn’t want this piece of shit.. if this dude can’t even take care of this camera and clean the lense before taking a picture, you know he hasn’t taken care of this truck. Next.
1983 Mustang Convertible
"1983 Mustang Convertible, New top ~ New tires, 136,000 miles, V6, auto. $3,500.00"
Holy wow look at this beauty. If this car also came with a time machine that could send me back like 30 years or an invisibility cloak to hide my shame while driving around in the present day, I’d be sold! Especially for that sweet, sweet deal of only $3500. No thanks.
88 GTA project car – $6500 (Randolph)
"Cash or cashier check only. Willing to entertain reasonable offers."
I guess the first step of this project is to find the fucking hood.
Volkswagen Bay Window Bus Rolling Shells – $500 (Chesterland)
"I would hate to scrap when there are still a lot of use able parts and sheetmetal. I need to keep a set of the wheels for my Thing, so only 1 set goes with the vans. What you see is what you get, less one set of wheels. No engine or transmission"
Yes, because I totally want to move to Kent and become either a dirty hippie or worse, a fucking hipster. Plus the whole “no engine or transmission” thing might just be a problem for me.
95 chevy cargo van 3/4 ton with shelves – $1100 (akron)
"3/4 ton cargo work van with shelves. not being used anymore. Been setting for a while..just put new sparks, wires, distributor cap and rotor... ...call me if you are real .. van is in akron, west side near summit mall. call me"
They should have changed the listing to “used rape van”. The ad should go on to describe how they also changed the interior upholstery, and how the inside was fully detailed/wiped of fingerprints. How convenient that this person lives right by a mall, easy pickings I’m sure.
1970 Cadallic Deville Convertible – $3500 (Northfield, OH)
"1970 Cadillac Deville Convertible for sale. Has been in storage since 2001. Clean Title. Mileage 124,387. Call Sheri"
I’m pretty sure I don’t want a vehicle that may or may not have been stored in the same shipping container that Dexter Morgan witnessed his mother being brutally murdered with a chainsaw.
1978 Chevy C10 Project Truck – $2500 (Wooster)
"I have a 1978 Chevy C10 project truck for sale. It was a drag truck. No engine. No tranny."
Who needs a transmission or engine, when you have that sweet fucking spray-painted flame, that’s my question.
2000 Jeep Laredo – $1100 (Garrettsville)
"Jeep needs work but runs-- have receipts of work done last year. Out of state - College student owned, jeep is parked at family members house if you want to see & test drive-- we need to make arrangements."
Goddamn I was really, really hoping they would have written “model not included” in this ad, that would have made my fucking day.
I think you pretty much get the idea. Maybe I should just re-think visiting the dealerships. Thoughts? Are you selling a car? Would you buy any of these? Comment!