My new favorite hobby lately has been writing fictional movie reviews for real films on Netflix, because I’m not quite sure that anyone actually moderates them, and it’s always good for a fun time. Think of it as… movies re-imagined. This article will explore some of my recent movie reviews on this popular Internet streaming media provider. Enjoy!
Turner & Hooch
"Turner (Tom Hanks) is a cop on the edge. After witnessing his partner gunned down in a drug-sting gone bad, and his wife and children are taken hostage and murdered by the ruthless drug cartel he's dedicated his life to taking down, he visits the local animal shelter, looking for the meanest dog that he can find. Enter Hooch (played by Sprinkles the dog), a vicious French-mastiff that is scheduled to be put to sleep, after it's killed all of it's previous owners. Turner convinces them to spare Hooch, and he takes him to his compound and trains him to channel his ferociousness towards the evil leaders of the drug cartels, exacting bloody revenge and carnage on all of those that have wronged him. A great family movie, and the scene at the end where Hooch (covered with blood and entrails) gives Turner his paw, always makes me cry."
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
"Neal Page (Steve Martin) is a traveling salesman, who's on a cross-country journey selling disposable razors and other hygiene products. He loves his job, and the people that he meets, until one average day he picks up a random hitchhiker named Del Griffith (John Candy), who holds Neal at gunpoint, forcing him to perform sexual acts at any given whim. Neal is eventually able to escape, and Del gives pursuit across the mid-west, terrorizing him along the way while wearing a mask of flesh from a previous kill. John Candy delivered a surprisingly dark and twisted performance, and I'll never be able to forget that horrific scene with the curling iron."
"Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger) and Ricky Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) are two ex-military buddies who have always had the life-long dream of playing for the Cleveland Indians. One fateful day, they are visited by the ghost of baseball past (Corbin Bernsen), who helps them see that their dreams of playing baseball is kind of stupid, and that they need to spend more times with their families. I thought this movie was hilarious, and I laughed the entire time! I would recommend it to everyone!"
"Rudy tells the true story of Daniel 'Rudy' Ruettiger (Sean Astin), who aspired to be the first openly gay football player at Notre Dame. Rudy is physically gifted, running the 40 in 4.3 seconds, and easily able to bench press 300 pounds, but everyone knows he's different, when he appears for the first practice in drag. Notre Dame is a staunchly religious Catholic school, but after a decade of losing seasons, the homophobic head coach decides to look the other way to Rudy's transgressions, such as seducing the star quarterback (Vince Vaughn), or the lurid lap dances he performs on his best friend D-Bob (Jon Favreau) during the halftime shows. By the end of the season, Notre Dame strings together it's first winning season, and the head coach begins to see the similarities he shares with Rudy, and they become best friends forever. I loved it!"
"Andrew Beckett (Tom Hanks) is an up and coming welter-weight in the Philadelphia boxing scene, but he can't seem to get the big fight against the champion Miguel Alvarez (played by Antonio Banderas), until he becomes involved with the washed-up and down-on-his-luck promoter Joe Miller (played by Denzel Washington). Joe is an alcoholic and a womanizer, who's burned a lot of bridges along the way, but Andrew puts his faith in him that he can secure the big fight, so that he can bring back the glory to Philadelphia. A lot of people thought this movie was a blatant rip-off of Rocky, but I would have to disagree, this movie is completely different, and earned Hanks his first Oscar. A must see for any fan of boxing!"
"Tommy Boy tells the true story of "Tommy Boy" Callahan (Chris Farley), who after the untimely death of this mob boss father "Big Tom" Callahan (Brian Dennehy), travels across the country on a murderous rampage with his father's deranged assistant Richard (David Spade). They rape, steal, pillage, and torture their victims with no discretion, until they cross paths with the head of the rival mob family, known only as "Zalinsky" (played by Dan Aykroyd), an ominous figure who's passion for torture is even darker and more menacing than their own. Tommy Boy and Richard become involved in a deadly game of cat and mouse with Zalinsky, until they meet for their final showdown in an abandoned slaughterhouse, where Zalinsky has been known to cannibalize his victims. Some might say this movie is overly graphic, and I would agree, but it's still a must see."
"David "Vanilla Sky" Aames (played by Tom Cruise) is a master jewel thief and conman, always looking for the easy buck. One day Vanilla is approached about a diamond store job by a mysterious drifter known only as "McCabe" (played by Kurt Russell), and after he takes the job, his life will never be the same. What Vanilla didn't know was that these diamonds belonged to the head of the Yakuza mob (Cameron Diaz), and meanwhile special agent Sofia Serrano (Penelope Cruz) is also hot on his trail. Can Vanilla make it to the drop off point, without ending up in Yakuza hands, or arrested by the FBI? As Vanilla would say, "See you on the other side, Amigo!"."
Let me know what you thought, and if you would recommend any movies in particular. There may be more to come, so stay tuned!