Everything your Zodiac Sign REALLY Says About You.



We all occasionally look at our horoscopes, to help put perspective on who we truly are.  But what does your specific zodiac sign say about you?  I’m not an expert when it comes to astrology, but I am under good authority that this is perhaps the MOST comprehensive explanation of what your zodiac sign really means.  This is 100% accurate and scientific, and now you will finally know all of the secrets of your zodiac, and why you are such a horrible and/or awesome person.  Enjoy!



With your element being fire, this means you typically like to be warm when it’s winter time and it’s all cold and shit, and I’m guessing you wear a coat when it snows, so you are a logical person. Your stone is the diamond, and you sometimes feel like diamonds are pretty cool. Your ruling planet is Mars, so you would most likely visit Mars if you were an astronaut, and wanted to just kind of kick back on another planet for awhile and do your thing because all of the other astronaut stuff that you normally do is already taken care of, and you just kind of wanted to relax and enjoy a beer.

Your power animal:




Your element is Earth, so that means most likely you live on the planet Earth which tells you that you are fairly grounded. Your symbol is “the bull”, and if life was a bull fight and you were the bull, you would probably want to maul that stupid guy waving that red cape at you, because it’s pretty lame that he keeps doing it. Your stone of course is the emerald, and this probably means at some point in your life you fell in love with someone who lived on the Emerald Isle (or at least someone who visited it, or that maybe knew a guy that did, or maybe saw pictures of it on Google once).

Your power animal:

Funny Bull Chasing-05



Air is your element, which is pretty cool. If it wasn’t for air we would all die, so you are kind of a big deal. Your symbol is “the twins”, so you probably had a twin who died before birth that your mother never told you about, and you will always feel empty and alone without knowing why. Sucks to be you.

Your power animal:




Water is a decent element, and this means you may or may not know how to swim. “The crab” symbol reveals that you once blew a guy who was a line cook at Joe’s Crab Shack. Your stone is a… wait, what the fuck is a moonstone? Is that a stone from the moon? If it is, that’s pretty fucking cool I guess.  Your ruling planet is, surprise, the moon.  Jesus, growing up you must have had a Neil Armstrong poster hanging over your bed or something.  If you weren’t too busy blowing line cooks at Joe’s Crab Shack, you could have perhaps became an astronaut, but no, you just had to spend all of your free time blowing line cooks at Joe’s Crab Shack.

Your power animal:




Your element is fire, the same as the Aries. Currently the periodic table of elements has 118 to pick from, but the zodiac people were just kind of lazy and started phoning it in after a handful were taken. Your ruling planet is the Sun, which means you are dumb and think the Sun is a planet and not a star. That’s embarrasing, dude.  Your symbol is “the Lion”, so much like a lion, you probably sleep upwards of about 20 hours a day, but for that four or so hours that you are awake, you are probably doing something bad-ass like taking down a gazelle or roaring at some crying kids at the zoo, so congratulations on being awesome like 25% of the time.

Your power animal:




Ah okay, your element is Earth, so we are still repeating these elements. I mean there’s 118 elements, so it’s like the original zodiac people just watched an episode of Captain Planet and said “fuck it, we’re only using those four”. Your planet is Mercury, and Mercury is kind of a neat planet I guess, so you must be kind of neat too.  Your symbol is “The Virgin”, and this would indicate that at some point in your life, you were a virgin, until that wild and awkward night in your girlfriend’s parent’s mobile home.  Oh wait, that was me.  Uhh never mind, move it along, nothing to see here.

Your power animal:



Okay, so your element is air, and that means that when you are drunk you definitely play a mean air guitar (or at least you think that you do, and your friends are either too drunk to know the difference, or are sober and think you are an asshole and look stupid, but are nice and just don’t tell you). Your ruling planet is Venus, so that means you are hot and steamy, just like the atmosphere of Venus. Rarr. The stone of your zodiac is opals, and to be honest I know dick about precious stones because I’m a dude, so we’ll just assume that that’s pretty cool.

Your power animal:




Pluto is your governing planet, and as you know it’s been debunked that Pluto is in fact a planet, and in reality it’s just a giant ball of mud and ice, so much like Pluto your life has been a total lie, and somewhere down the line you probably let your mother down big time. Good job. Your stone is Topaz, and I read on Wikipedia that they are “mostly prismatic terminated by pyramidal and other faces”. I have no idea what the fuck that means, so again we will assume that it’s pretty cool.

Your power animal:

Sad Pluto



Your planet is Jupiter, the largest planet in the solar system, so this means when you ride a bus or sit on a bench or go to the movies you probably hog up two seats like a jerk and everybody hates you for being such a selfish asshole. Your symbol is “the archer”, and that kind of makes me think of Daryl from the Walking Dead, so we know that you’re a pretty awesome person with a rough exterior, but deep down you’re a good person, and plus you have good survival skills if we ever face a zombie apocalypse and look cool on a motorcycle, so good for you.

Your power animal:




Your symbol is “the goat”, and goats are pretty bad-ass. I downloaded Goat Simulator (this is a real game) the other day, and totally went around for fifteen minutes doing goat shit, until I got kinda bored and turned it off. Your ruling planet is Saturn, and all that I can really think of when I think about that planet is the rings of Saturn, so you probably ate at a Burger King at some point, and they make decent onion rings. But when you went, you probably just got fries, because deep down you’re a pussy and afraid of change.  Grow a pair, Capricorn.

Your power animal:




Aquarius is pretty cool I guess, as your symbol is “the water bearer”. Yeah seriously, some dude carrying water. “Dude walking to the market to buy some stuff” or “Guy taking a shit” must have already been taken. Your stone is the Amethyst, and from what I’ve heard they are used a lot in jewelry, so that means that if you are a guy and you wear gold jewelry around your neck, you may look less gay than the average guy who wears gold jewelry around his neck, but only slightly, so that’s pretty cool.

Your power animal:




Your symbol is “the fish”, so of course your element is water. Wow that’s a stretch, huh? Your planet is Neptune, and I really don’t know much about Neptune, other than it’s next to Pluto, so that probably means that your friends are all fake, just like Pluto. Go get some real friends, Pisces.

Your power animal:




Agree?  Disagree?  Don’t be bashful, let me know in the comments below.


2 thoughts on “Everything your Zodiac Sign REALLY Says About You.

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