My 32nd birthday is quickly approaching next Wednesday, and honestly I’m not all that excited about it. One year older, and closer to death I say. But I can remember a time, when I used to get really fucking excited about my birthday. When did birthday’s start to lose their luster? As a kid, it was always such a joyous event. My friends would all come over to my house, I’d open up a bunch of presents and find Nerf guns galore, my mom would hook us up with the 10-pack taco boxes from Taco Bell, and we would play Goldeneye late into the night, hopped up on Surge and Gushers. Birthday celebrations got even better in my early twenties, instead of playing video games and eating tacos, we were playing video games and eating tacos while drunk off our asses after about a dozen Coronas. But now that I’m older, it’s just not as exciting as it used to be. Plain and simple, birthday’s kind of suck. In today’s article, we will discuss the reasons why birthday’s suck once you are older. Enjoy.
Since my birthday is on a Wednesday, my first thought when I wake up is going to be “oh it’s my birthday”. My second thought will be “well time to go to work”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy that I am lucky enough to have a job, and a roof over my head, and all of that jazz. But I mean, on my birthday, there’s kind of other places I would much rather be than work. But I can’t justify taking the day off, because it’s only my birthday, and you only get so many vacation days. So while having a job is essential to surviving, it really fucking ruins your birthday. Likewise, some random person whom you work with and made the mistake of accepting their friend request on Facebook will see that it’s your birthday, and tell everyone. Then you will have to spend all day at work having people you hardly know come up to you saying “happy birthday”, pretending like they give a shit. And then you have to pretend to be grateful for them pretending like they give a shit. Lame.
The older you get, your birthday takes on a new purpose, it’s essentially there only to remind you that you have to renew your registration on your vehicle. This year I’m lucky enough to have to renew my registration, AND renew my license. So not only is it bad enough that I actually have to spend time at the DMV as it is, but while I’m there I have to bend over for them and let them take about $100. I can’t possibly think of anything worse that you can be doing on your birthday, than standing around with a bunch of other sad and depressed schmucks, slowly shuffling in a line that seems to never move, while some lady with chin hair sitting behind a counter occasionally screams “next!”.
Facebook also kind of ruins your birthday. I mean I wont lie, it’s kinda nice seeing a bunch of people say “Happy Birthday!” on your wall and all, but you know if Facebook didn’t specifically tell them it was your birthday, they wouldn’t have known, and probably still don’t really give a shit. It’s something we all know, but don’t really talk about. I’m guilty of this myself though, and I have no idea when some of my closest’s friends birthdays are, so Facebook is kind of a life saver in that aspect, but then again there is always strange people coming out of the woodwork. “Happy Birthday” says the girl you went on like two dates with five years ago. “Happy Birthday” says that old co-worker from Arby’s, back when you were a teenager and shit, and it was only a summer job so you could buy weed. Then you have to decide if you want to “like” every status individually, or write one post saying “Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes!”
The Big Birthday Dinner
I’m not knocking Crapplebees, they know how to cook their steaks medium-rare for the most part and they don’t completely gouge you with their prices, but the last two years in a row, somehow I have ended up here on my birthday. In fact I might even go to Applebees this year for my birthday as well, who knows. By the time I get home from work, I’m almost too tired for anything really special anyways, and I mean you can’t beat the 2 for $20 menu. Fuck it, it’s my birthday, maybe I’ll really splurge and go for something on the 2 for $24. Go hard or go home, right?
Even though birthdays kind of suck anymore, I’m really not all that torn up about it. I mean what is a birthday really? A calendar year celebration, remembering that special day you slid down your mother’s vagina. I’m not sure why we would want to celebrate a kind of thing like that anyways. And as an adult, who needs a birthday? The way I look at it, I don’t need to get presents. If I want something, no matter how ridiculous or unsafe it may be, I don’t have to ask anyone, I just buy it. Was it the tacos that made my birthdays special? Guess what, I can have those anytime I want. In fact, I live almost next door to a Taco Bell, so I guess just about every day of my life is like a birthday. Fucking awesome.