Things I Learned While On Vacation In Miami.


As you may already know, I recently went on a vacation in Miami for the very first time, and it was quite an interesting trip.  Oh the sights, the sounds, the smells, the… Latin people.  In today’s article, I will take you on a recap of the vacation, and discuss the things I learned while in Miami.  Enjoy, chollos!

#1 – If you’re driving down Interstate 95 to Miami, it’s okay to shit at the rest stops during a long trip.


I made the mistake of thinking I could just hold it once we neared Florida, and guess what, that was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made (and this is coming from a guy who wore MC Hammer pants in primary school).  Driving in the car for nearly 18 hours straight with nothing to eat and drink except beef jerky, Cheeze-Its, and RedBull can cause some real stomach fury.  I don’t like shitting in public places, but sometimes in life, you have to make exceptions.

#2 – Don’t make eye contact.


Once in the city, you will notice that the streets are all typically very clean.  I read Miami was recently awarded “cleanest city” by Forbes magazine, and they’ve earned the title, but that doesn’t mean you will not still find a butt-load of homeless people roaming around.  Homeless people in Miami are pretty much the same as homeless people in Ohio, only down there they at least have nice tans.  They will undoubtedly ask you for money, or a cigarette, or both, and the key is to not make eye contact, and to just keep moving.  Also don’t eat their faces, that’s a rookie mistake.

The same goes on the beach, someone will undoubtedly be trying to sell you something, while you’re just trying to lay there and enjoy your over-priced alcoholic beverage that you purchased at the Clevelander.  Don’t make eye contact, and they will get the message and go away.

#3 – Go ahead, don’t be afraid to eat all of the food.

lime 2

There is so much good fucking food in Miami.  Don’t be afraid to gain a little weight while on vacation, eat that shit up while you have the chance.  I gained five pounds in the week that I was down there, and I never looked back.  I mean there’s all of the different Latin foods, there’s Cuban, Dominican, Peruvian, the list goes on and on.  And that’s not even including all of the food trucks!  If you are feeling reluctant or self-conscious about eating too much, just remember, everybody on South Beach is already in much better shape than you, so the damage is already done, fatty.

#4 – If you are rolling down Biscayne Avenue, and shoot a tweet to Drake, he probably wont respond, OR let you crash at his crib.

I’ve never liked his music anyways.  Douche-bag.

#5 – Wynwood has better art in Miami than the actual museums do.


If you love and are inspired by art as much as I am, you can easily get amped about the art scene in Miami, which is basically everywhere. I saw a tire shop that was painted with some of the best abstract art I’ve ever seen, and they sold fucking tires, so you can just imagine.  While in Miami, we visited a venue called “Wynwood Walls”, which is a section of Wynwood where most of the building walls are painted by artists, depicting many different styles of graffiti meets art, and the results are just amazing. Also the walls are repainted every few months with something different, so it’s continuously evolving.   We were only in Miami for a week, and wound up back here twice.  The Pérez Art Museum on the other hand was kind of meh, but that’s just my opinion.

#6 – Don’t feed the birds on the beach.

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Birds! #MiamiBeach

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Especially Cheeze-its.  They will fucking terrorize you.

#7 – You wont want to leave.


I’ll be the first to admit that I was reluctant to vacation in Miami.  I mean I’ve spent my entire life in Ohio, and things don’t get too crazy around here.  But aside from an attempted-robbery that I witnessed, and being asked dozens of times for money by homeless people, the trip went pretty seamlessly.  We stayed with friends, and avoided most of the touristy-areas, so it was nice to see the city in the raw.  The amazing food.  All of the lights and colors.  The beach.  All of the sunshine.  People turning left from the far right lane and trying to cause an accident.  Watching a man try to rip away a suitcase from a screaming woman’s hands.  People yelling at me in Latin.  Nearly stepping on a massive jelly-fish.  Yes, these are all fond, fond memories, and I would go back in a fucking heartbeat.


Have you ever been to Miami?  Do you like Drake?  Are you a dirty chollo?  Tell me in the comments!

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