How To Survive The Holidays

o-DRUNK-SANTA-facebook Sometimes the holidays suck.  I can remember one specific year, when a then-recovering uncle of mine kept disappearing into the bathroom with a spoon, only to resurface with fresh bandages on his arms asking me for money, or the time my cousin got into a scuffle with my grandmother’s boyfriend after an altercation with an airsoft gun.  Happy birthday, Jesus.  Yes, the holidays can bring out both the best and the worst of people, and unless you are adopted and single and nobody loves you, or worse a Jehovah’s Witness, you are most likely going to be subjected to some crazy shit over the next week.  Well let me tell you that you are not alone.  So grab your candy canes and nog, and brace for impact.

The Last Minute Shopping

So you tried your hardest to get all of your holiday shopping out of the way, but guess what hotshot, you probably still forgot someone.  So now you have to go brave the stores, looking for that perfect gift on the barren retail shelves, likely overpaying for something that they will not even like.  Way to go.  But don’t worry, that’s why smarter human beings than us invented gift cards.  It’s the perfect gift for when you really don’t know someone too well, or care to know them, or feel like putting any thought or idea into their gift.  Just like the wise men. secret-santa-header

The Dreaded “Workplace Gift Exchange”

If you work in an office, you are likely to have a company-mandated “secret santa”, which in all reality is considered a form of torture in some countries.  You are expected to buy a gift for this co-worker of yours whom you probably know nothing about, nor want to know, and as far you as you do, they may be a complete whack-job or serial killer.  So what do you buy?  Some cheap candles?  Maybe a body spray set?  A roll of duct-tape and a bag of zip-ties?  Choose wrong, and you are now the outcast at the next water-cooler gathering.  No pressure.  One year for the office gift exchange, the woman whom I drew left me absolutely no clues of what she would like, and I honestly knew dick about her.  I decided to teach her a lesson, and purchased a Leatherface action figure.  I had been hoping that she would hate it, and decide to let me keep it, but alas, she did not give it back to me.  But look at the bright-side, while the gift exchange is going down, guess what you are not doing?  Working.  So there’s a silver lining to everything. youhavechosenpoorly

Seeing the Out-of-Town Relatives

Sometimes it’s nice to see old faces, relatives that only make the trip perhaps once or twice a year, and other times not so much.  In reality this is the one time of year that you will see or speak with them, yet it’s your job to pretend that you care about what’s actually going on in their lives.  Oh, second-cousin so-and-so had another baby?  Cool.  Uncle Marty got laid off again from the plastic-spoon factory?  I’m sorry to hear it, that sucks.  No, I don’t have any money you can borrow.  Just be nice, grin and bare it, and remember, they will be leaving again soon, and then you no longer have to pretend to care about them.  Plus they did bring you that $10 Dominos gift card. Bad-Family-Christmas-portrait


So just remember, the only people who like the holidays are either clearly psychopathic, religious, or perhaps both.  The rest of us hate it just as much as you, so there’s no shame in cringing a little bit in anticipation of this fiasco.  It will be over before you know it, and we are all left with nothing but a bunch of gifts that we probably wont use, empty bank accounts, and an extra five pounds.  It could be worse, you could be living in North Korea.  Happy holidays!   Do you love the holidays?  What’s your worse holiday memory?  Tell me in the comments!

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