Why Severus Snape Was The Best Character In The Harry Potter Universe.


So I just watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part One and Two last weekend, and I have to say, Dumbledork was kind of a dick, and Snape wasn’t given enough props.  The only thing worse than Harry not hooking up with that asian chick, was him being a dick, and not realizing how much of an impact Snape played in his life.  I know him and ginger Weasly had kids and all, and they named the little one after him, but seriously, that’s all you got?

Now I can sometimes confuse a patronus with a shot of Patrón, but one thing I don’t confuse, is a man who was in love with a woman, and loved her until the day she died.  He decided against a pretty sweet role as a wingman to the dark lord, whom I imagine had an awesome dental plan and vacation package, and just spent his life, making sure that dipshit Harry Potter stayed on the right path.  And what did he get for it?  Nothing.  I had a girl I liked when I was in high school, and I just thought about her a lot and I masterbated, I sure as shit didn’t watch her kid after her and and her husband were murdered, and throw up patronuses when shit was getting real.  I just masterbated and moved on.  But Snape was the real deal.  Not only did dude care about this kid, but he took a job as a damn teacher, to watch over this kid.  And we all know teachers get paid shit.  But he was like, “eh, whatever”.

Harry Potter’s time at Hogwarts

(spoiler alert)







It’s a known fact that’s Harry’s father was kind of a dick.  He thought it was funny to bully other kids, and these days, we don’t take kindly to bullies.  I could picture him on Ellen, trying to justify why he thought it was funny bullying Snape.  I bet Ellen would have given Severus a big hug.  But dude didn’t even get an Ellen hug, and he still persevered.  He went and grew up, got a job, got tenure, and just ran with it.  Learned some cool spells, figured out how to do a patronus, and bided his time.

Dudes with tenure always be getting attention from the ladies, and I’m sure lots of hot chicks threw some action at Snape, but guess what, he was a man always on point.  No matter how many hot chicks came on to him at the club, he always went home alone, because he was still in love, with a dead woman, who had a dipshit son with a bully father.  I’m sure Bellatrix was grinding up on him in the club, and I wouldn’t kick Helena Bonham Carter out of bed for eating crackers.  But that’s just how Snape rolls, he one focused fella.

So many years later, being in love with this woman, my dude Snape still does what he does, he teaches class, watches over this Harry Potter dipshit, all the while Dumbledick gets all the credit, meanwhile he’s trying to kill Harry at every point, and when things get really hairy, Snape throws up a patronus, that for many years is mistaken as one of Harry’s dads.  I bet Harry’s dad’s patronus was a bull, a fat awkward bull that just kinda hangs out, bullies people, and scratches his balls, and is essentially useless.  But no, Snape was like “I need to hit this dude up with a patronus, back off Dumbledork”.

In summary, I think Severus Snape was kind of badass.  Dude was totally underappreciated by Harry, and by the Harry Potter world at large.  He’s the hero Pottermore deserves, but not the one it needs right now.  Snape was the step-father that Harry didn’t want, but the one that Harry needed.  Dude was boss.

Do you agree?  Disagree?  Is Snape the man?  Tell me in the comments!


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